It was a miracle...

I have been feeling pretty well overall for the last little while. Great even. More days than not I have been feeling like myself. Then the day went from okay to down right hopeless in a matter of minutes.

The week had been long - my sweet husband was working extra hours at work for their convention. I often say that I am a great married mom, I am not a great single mom. Spending a chunk of the week knowing my husband wasn't going to be around was draining on me physically and mentally. My two oldest had been fighting and picking on each other all day. My five year old was complaining about everything - I mean everything. I was done. I was spent. I yelled at my five year old daughter. Even though we later apologized I couldn't get my attitude back up. I kept crying. I felt lost. I wanted to run away. Sure I have had those feelings before. I want to run to visit my friend or sit out in a quiet spot and pretend I don't have any responsibilities. This time was different. This time those feelings weren't going away.

My go to person is Angela. She knows what PPD and motherhood feels like. She never judges - she is the perfect friend. There was only one problem - she lives in Ohio while I live in Utah so picking me up off the floor physically isn't an option. I did the one thing I knew I could do. I called her. I called her a sobbing mess. I felt like I needed to go somewhere - maybe the hospital - somewhere. She talked to me and talked with me but I couldn't seem to catch my breath. Upon her advice I hung up with her and got into a hot shower to try and relax.

I was crying so hard I couldn't barely utter the words, "Father, I am here. Are you there? I need you." I wanted, I needed Him. I needed Him to make the pain go away. Finally I crawled out of the shower. I grabbed my now fussing baby and climbed into bed for a cuddle. I knew I needed someone physically to be there. I texted a few of my friends. My friend Susan responded that she wasn't feeling well but "what's up". I was not about to impose. "Oh nothing," I lied. Within seconds she responded that she was coming over. She found me curled up in my bed and I lost it yet again. She held me, she didn't judge me. She then took the baby and rounded up some teenagers who did dishes, laundry and generally picked up the main floor.

Angela texted back to check in. I told her about Susan reading between the lines in my text and just coming over. "Guess Heavenly Father really was listening." I texted Angela. "To both of us." was her reply. I felt a wash of emotion and love. My best friend had been praying for me. I know she has done it before but right then it was crucial. The best part was knowing that God had heard me and sent exactly who I needed.

Some might say this is simply coincidence. I don't believe that. I believe it was a miracle. I believe in a God that is good. I believe that I am His little girl and my struggles matter to Him. I believe in miracles.

This is just the beginning...

I very wise Father in Heaven suggested that I ask for help when dealing with my depression and he was right. I was reminded of this last night at 1:30 am. I was suddenly awake. I was scared and feeling a bit along. I texted my mom, who is currently out of town and asked her to be my person. I asked her to call, email or text me on a regular basis. Just check in. Ask me about the kids, ask me about me, ask me anything. I told her I was going to pretend I hadn't asked for this but I knew that this was something that needed to be done.

Guess who called me this morning just to chat. We chatted about my grandparents, who she is currently visiting. We chatted about our upcoming family vacation. We chatted about kids and why I was having a hard time. Funny thing is I really don't know. I have been doing pretty well. Why is now suddenly my PPD rearing its head? I don't know. Sure I could guess - there is a lot going on right now but I am not going to worry about that right now. I am here. I am reaching out. I am sharing my story with others. Maybe I will find other moms struggling. Maybe there is one random woman who is looking for my ramblings. Who knows...all I know is today is another day.